I Wish They'd "Take It All Off" the Internet

I found this gem whilst randomly site-surfing the other day. The composition was just too perfect; I had to take a screen-shot. I like to call it: "The Left is What I Saw, The Right is What I Thought." I'm just so tired of exploitative internet ads. It doesn't matter if you're doing research for a paper or looking up lyrics to a Wiggles song — you can't escape the misogyny!

A Modest Proposal (Abortion Edition)

Last year in class we read A Modest Proposal (1729) by Jonathan Swift. It's a satirical piece in which Swift suggests that the Irish should eat their own babies rather than tackle problems of overpopulation and poverty head-on. We were asked to write a similarly satirical piece about an impassioned issue, so I chose abortion rights. [WARNING: The keyword here is "satire," people!]

Which side am I really on?

Written October 9, 2010

Abortion has been one of the most fiercely debated topics of the 21st century, and frankly, I’m tired of hearing about it. If right-wingers truly believe abortion is a sin, and the women who choose to abort are evil, heartless murderers, it’s time to do something rather than settle for bad picket signs and expect anything to happen. What, are we just going to say “no more abortions!” and wait for them to disappear like rats up a drain pipe? We need to get to the root of the problem.

First, we need to ask ourselves: what drives women to have abortions? Are these women simply born with demonic souls, or are they driven to kill after years of reckless partying, drinking, and hardcore drugs (because obviously, any woman callous enough to get an abortion must be sniffing the Big H)? 

Some will have you believe that the decision has less to do with a woman’s lifestyle, and more with what she can expect for the future of her baby. If a woman becomes pregnant, these pro-choicers cry, and her partner is irresponsible, refuses to pay child support, or just gets up and leaves, she may not have the means to provide for a child. Pro-choicers want us to think that if a woman has a dead-end job, absolutely no support, and struggles just to find her next meal, it’s okay for her to choose an abortion rather than let her child suffer. 

Evil, right?

I propose three solutions to the abortion epidemic in this country. First, we must outlaw condoms and sex education. By exposing children to the mechanics of sex and pregnancy prevention as early as middle school, we’re basically telling them (a) it’s okay to “get jiggy with it,” and (b) there are ultimately no consequences because any mistake (i.e. pregnancy) can simply be undone (i.e. abortion). By outlawing condoms, couples will know that their actions may result in an unwanted pregnancy, and they’ll refrain from doing the deed in the first place.

Next, we must set up a national fund to pay women for choosing life over murder. If a poverty-stricken woman is given a choice between having an abortion or receiving a lump sum and letting her baby live, she’ll definitely choose the money. Thus, dinner is served and she can live happily ever after — guilt and problem free — with her bouncing bundle of joy.

Finally, we must make it illegal for two people to have “relations” without first signing mutual contracts in which they provide vital information, including (but not limited to): their name, age, sex, complete medical history, social security number, financial records, and high school transcript. By making the intimate details of our medical histories accessible to the public, we will know at once who has heart conditions, bladder control problems, hemorrhoids, STDs, clinical baldness, etc. and can thus make better decisions about our sexual partners. Not to mention, women will never be in the position of deciding whether or not to keep her child because of an irresponsible partner — she will already have access to his bank account! It’s the perfect solution!

As long as we’re willing to give up any shred of privacy whatsoever and allow the government to have free reign over our personal lives, we can eradicate abortion in America once and for all.

Sure, we could take the easy route and assume women are intelligent and conscientious enough to make their own decisions about their own bodies; we could have faith in the fact that women don’t take abortion lightly, that they think about it long and hard, and are affected by it each and every day for the rest of their lives; we could even focus on better sex education and allow free access to birth control to lessen the chance that couples would have to face an unplanned pregnancy in the first place.

But we’re Americans, and we don’t like to take the easy route.

The Most Ridiculous Site I've Ever Seen (Rant)

'Cuz I'm considerate like that.

This post is in no way meant to be disrespectful to my Christian friends. If you hear me out, I'm sure you'll see that the website I'm about to froth over is incredibly skewed and hateful . . . Okay, we good? Let's get to ranting.

To my lovely feminist friends:

Don't - and I mean don't - get caught up reading this ridiculous "Christian" website, because afterwards you'll feel like smacking somebody in the face. (Ten bucks says you're going to check it out anyway.)

Against my better judgment, I spent - more like wasted - the past half-hour of my life reading about why feminism and homosexuality (among other things) are "evil." Here's a little taste:

• America's churches, marriages and homes are being destroyed by the vile feminist agenda . . . A godly man is a threat to the feminist's agenda, because he believes that a woman's place is still in the home - baking cookies, knitting, and caring for the children (1st Timothy 5:14). Of course, hen pecked husbands and sissies are exempt.  

• Feminism is synonymous with lesbianism and abortion. Civil rights are one thing, sinful rights are another. Feminism is of the Devil.

• Many wives today are “rottenness” to their husbands health, because of the grief and undue stress they cause for their husbands. They contaminate and rot their marriages until there's nothing left. Some even kill their babies. 

• I don't mean to be unkind [*Me: Oh really?], but America is filled with foolish women . . . who have destroyed their marriage and home. A wife is commanded by God to submit to her husband. Many marriages today are two-headed monstrosities, because of a rebellious wife who refuses to submit to her husband's instruction. The end result is often the wife filing for divorce, which is a sin. Jesus said Matthew 5:32 that it is adultery for her to remarry. 

• There's nothing any more wrong with America today than the sinful way women dress. We've become a nation of whorishly dressed women . . . America is going to hell morally because of immodestly dressed women. There will come a day when God will wipe that imprudent smirk off every feminists face, when they will give account to God for the sinful manner in which they dressed throughout their life. 

• Being a U.S. citizen gives you the “right” to vote; but, it does not give you the right to be homosexual. 

• No one is born “gay,” because God doesn't make mistakes. God created male and female, which is normal. For anyone to claim that God made them a homosexual is to say that God made a mistake, because they cannot bear children nor have normal sexual relations. God didn't make a mistake, you did. 

Sexism, racism, and homophobia? I'm gonna need
a Hefty bag for all this crap!

I could go on (and on and on and on . . . ), but I think that's enough bullcrap for one day. I know it's pointless to get so riled up about this stuff because it's all over the Web, but I can't help it - it makes me angry. Very angry.

What really gets me (besides the fact that the site has links to about 50,000 things that are "sending America to hell") is the author's feigned kindness. In his feminist section, for example, he says "I'm not trying to be unkind" about four or five times. Each time he says that I want to yank my hair out in fistfuls and say: "Well you know what, buddy? You are being unkind. You're being downright hateful." I just don't understand how somebody could bash other human beings so ferociously and then turn around and say "But remember, Jesus loves you!"

I want to believe there's a higher power out there, but I refuse to believe that that higher power would, as the author of this site claims, hate anyone. How could somebody who is supposed to be so loving and forgiving hate anyone?

Before I get so riled up that I wake the entire house (it is 2:24am, after all), let me take this opportunity to get a few things off my chest.

I believe: 

1. No person in this world should be considered more important than another; we should all be treated equally.
2. Men should respect women, just as women should respect men.
3. Women should not "submit" to their husbands; rather, marriage should be an equal partnership of reciprocated love and respect.
4. Feminism is awesome. (Sorry, I had to sneak that in . . . )
5. Women should have complete control over their reproductive health.
6. People's sex lives should be a private matter and not define them.
7. People are born gay (as in, it's not something that can be flippantly changed).
8. People should be able to love whoever they want to love.

I know simply saying that stuff doesn't do anything, but it feels good getting it out there. And if that makes me a "sinner," fine.

_______________________

P.S. I think the author of this site deserves what my dad used to call his D.A. Award. I'll let you figure out  for yourself what "D.A." stands for (hint: it does not stand for Dumbledore's Army).

This is What a Feminist Looks Like

I'm still waiting to get my hands on one of those uber-cool "this is what a feminist looks like" t-shirts. Whoever came up with that slogan was a freaking genius; it just speaks to the fact anybody can be a feminist. There are so many idiotic ideas about what feminists are "supposed" to look like (I'm sure you can think of more than a few), that when people see glitzy celebrities like America Ferrera, Ashley Judd, Michael Moore, Margaret Cho, Larry David, Whoopi Goldberg, or Camryn Manheim (shall I go on?) wearing the feminist name loud and proud it just blows their minds.

Okay, I wouldn't really call Michael Moore "glitzy."

But you get my point. Celebrities aren't always the greatest representation of us "little people," but it's still amazing that concern for gender equality can be seen across the board; in other words you don't have to be a middle-class white woman to be a feminist.

One of my pet peeves is when people assume feminist ideology is a simple, black-and-white construct. If you're a feminist you do this. If you're not a feminist you don't do that. When in reality feminism is as diverse as the people who claim the name. As with any eclectic group you're going to have your radicals (women who truly do hate men, refuse to wear make-up, etc.), your wannabes (people who like to call themselves feminists, but don't step up when it counts), and there are even relatively new groups called lipstick feminists, stiletto feminists, and (horrifically enough) slut feminists who think dressing sexy is the ultimate expression of female empowerment. My point is, you can't make assumptions about an entire group of people just because they call themselves something. So instead of assuming that I hate men (yes, I have actually been accused of hating men), take a minute to really hear me out. Look at what I am fighting for. Me. Danielle. Not those so-called "feminists" on TV.

It's time for a mini-rant!

Right: The most attractive Hooters waitress . . .

Okay, I can't hold it in. I gotta talk about those so-called "lipstick feminists." They are pretty much the bane of my existence.

They are the "barista girls" who wear skimpy clothes to sell more coffee down the street; women who appear on Hooters commercials and claim that being (sexed-up, scantily-clad) waitresses kick-started their careers as school teachers, doctors, and lawyers (I kid you not!); and girls who audition to be the next Pussycat Doll because they want to be "inspirations" to little girls everywhere - puke!

These women are just trying to justify the fact that they're portraying themselves as sex objects by saying women have "earned" the right to be as uninhibited as they want, and that it's "empowering" for girls to be completely free with their bodies. I am all for body-confidence, but these women are kidding themselves. Nobody's looking at a Hooters girl and thinking "wow, what an amazing woman! Look how confident she is in those booty shorts - I really respect her!" I think we both know what people are really thinking.

It just frustrates the heck out of me because here we are, trying to be smart and strong and outspoken and progressive and hard-working, and these women are making us look like materialistic, bimbo-ic (is that even a word?), brainless objects!

Well, I'll tell you what. I'm going to make it big someday, baby, and I'll do it with my (uber-cool feminist) shirt on!

Check out the video that inspired this post: